To Troll a God
by Savato93
Summary: Sick of Yukari bringing hapless outsiders to Gensokyo, flower youkai Yuka Kazami recruits a self-insert to do the impossible: troll a troll. Currently canceled, may be revived at a later date.
1. Yukari Dumps Me on a Sadist

It seems to be tradition for every person who writes a Touhou fic to make a self-insert OC who gets gapped and trolled by Yukari. But what if Yukari wasn't the one doing the trolling? Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you _To Troll a God_.

Disclaimer: I do not own Touhou.

XXXXX

There's that feeling again.

This is the third time this week that I've had the sensation of being watched. Every time, it happens when I'm alone at home, usually absorbed in my fanfiction writing or PC gaming. Now, I'm not the sort of person to stick to a single genre of game. I'm actually quite experienced with all sorts of gaming styles, short of horror games, because I can't stand those.

And the game I'm playing right now? Touhou, of course. Taking a break from Subject 151 (A/N: That's right, it's _me_), I decide to drown myself in danmaku. Due to not being Asian, I suck at bullet hell, but somehow I managed to unlock all of the extra stages and beat them.

Of course, I can't say the same of the Phantasm. The one and only Touhou girl to evade my clutches: Yukari Yakumo. And now, I am shot down on her third spellcard. As the game over screen pops up, I once again get goose-bumps from what I nicknamed my 'sixth sense.'

Out of boredom, I say aloud, "Really, Yukari? This is getting kind of annoying. I can't focus on the game with you hovering behind me like this."

Imagine my surprise when I heard a startled yelp and a very loud thud behind me. I turned around, afraid of what I was going to see; sure enough, Yukari herself had collapsed in a heap of purple and blonde on my floor. _Must have been hanging out of a gap¸ _the indifferent half of my brain muttered, while my rational half screamed, _WHAT THE HELL!_ Ignoring both sides, I got up and moved in to get a closer look.

She seemed to be in a very uncomfortable position (bent back 90 degrees), so I gently rolled her over on her back. Up until that moment, I had never considered what Yukari would look like in real life; I'd only ever seen her as an anime-ish figure. But now that I got a good look at her, I realized that she didn't look at all like she came from Japan. In fact, I thought as I brushed some of the hair from her face, she looked almost French.

And then my little moment of tranquility was shattered as Yukari's eyes flew open. In a cry of shock and anger, she drew up her legs and kicked me in the gut. I was lucky that she hadn't used all her strength, or my collision with the ceiling would have killed me.

"What the hell was that!" She cried in surprisingly fluid English. "I could have broken my neck with that little stunt of yours!"

With my ever-present nonchalant tone, I stupidly replied, "Ease up, gap hag. It's not like it would have actually killed you. Youkai can only be killed by sacred weapons, right?"

Immediately, I regretted my choice of words, and fully expected Yukari to kill me then and there. Instead, she merely bitchslapped me. "That's a load of bullshit. Anything can kill a youkai if you hit it hard enough. And even if it were true, I would still have likely been paralyzed from the neck down."

"Is that so…" I considered that fact. "Well, in any case, sorry about that. I never expected you would be real. I was just bored, trying to amuse myself, and _bam_, here you are. But anyway, down to business. Are you going to gap me away or what?"

With a huff of irritation, Yukari opened a portal behind her and walked through it, gesturing me to follow.

XXXXX

The gap dropped me and Yukari on a small hill overlooking a crystal-clear lake. I was amazed with the view, but before i could comment on it, Yukari spoke up.

"Alright, since you've pissed me off with that little joke of yours, I'm going to be dumping you at the Scarlet Devil Mansion. Do try and make sure the residents leave something for me to take back when I return for you," Yukari said.

_Aw, fuck. Those loli vampires will obliterate me. And honestly, I hate the sight of blood. _"Any way that I could convince you to take me somewhere else?"

"No."

"But…"

"You will get no sympathy from me for your little accident. Even Reimu would toss you to the Scarlet Devil, were she in my position. However…" She paused, a hint of annoyance flashing across her features. "I usually offer every outsider a chance to come to terms with their new surroundings… Damn it. Fine, where do you want to go?"

Yukari's abrasive nature was starting to get on my nerves. At any rate, if anyone could show me the ropes of Gensokyo, it would be… "Marisa."

Yukari gave me a look. "An odd choice, but one I am willing to grant. Have you got anything of worth on you?"

I fiddled through my pockets and brought out my wallet, a USB card, and my iPod. "That's it."

"I'll take those. And don't give me that look, you know very well that if I didn't take them, Marisa would. Now, goodbye."

XXXXX

Instead of being gapped to the Forest of Magic like I was expecting, I fell face-first into a field of sunflowers. Wait, sunflowers… _AW, SHIT._ I was in the realm of Yuka Kazami. "You told me you were taking me to Marisa!" I roared at Yukari.

"I lied," Yukari countered, masking her malicious grin with a fan. "As I was saying, please leave something for me to take to your parents when I come back, 'kay?" And then she vanished.

I fought back the panic bubbling up in my gut, and did my best to evaluate the situation. From what I gleaned from Touhou fandom, Yuka took serious offense from people who messed with her plants, and was labeled as the Ultimate Sadistic Beast by humans and youkai alike. She also apparently has a form of telepathy with plants. Thank god I landed in a patch of bare soil, or else the flowers might be damaged, and Yuka would find me.

And so, my plan was this: I would stick to the dirt path, find some shade, and settle down for the night. Not a very good plan, but it beat doing nothing. With that in mind, I set out on my journey.

XXXXX

It wasn't too difficult to locate a place to rest. I had been able to catch a glimpse of a tree roughly southeast of my landing site, and about fifteen minutes later, I was standing at its base. It was placed at a very convenient spot in the sunflower field, with one patch of ground underneath the tree supplied with constant shade throughout the entire day; I decided to create a makeshift bed out of fallen leaves and set it there. It was nearly dusk when I was finished gathering leaves, and being tired out both physically and psychologically, I simply laid out flat on my back on the bed of leaves, and let sleep take me.

XXXXX

I was awoken from my sleep with a forceful prod of a shoe to the small of my back. Startled, I leapt to my feet and backed up to the base of the tree. I figured fate was playing games with me, for Yuka had found me after only a few hours. She simply stood in one spot, hand on hip, her blood-red eyes boring into my soul.

I was too scared out of my mind to respond when she began to speak. Being an average American boy, I had no comprehension of the Japanese language and could not understand her, though the statement was evidently meant to be a question. When I didn't answer, she broke eye contact and began to stare at my body, likely taking in my strange clothes and unfamiliar facial features.

It eventually hit Yuka that I wasn't native to Gensokyo. She stepped closer and brought up a single hand to my forehead. The moment she made contact, a sensation not dissimilar to brain-freeze tore through my mind.

"…Can you understand me now?" Eventually, my senses returned to normal, and I could understand Yuka perfectly. I nodded without a moment's hesitation. "Good. I see that Yukari has brought another outsider to our realm. What is your name?"

"L-Luke Thesda," I managed to stutter. (A/N: This is as close to my real name as I am ever going to reveal. I have no intention of exposing myself.)

Yuka nodded. "An odd name, but what else can one expect from an outsider?" She turned around, gesturing me to follow. "Come, you must be freezing out here." Not wanting to risk her wrath, I did as I was told.

I followed her for a few minutes until we came across a house. It was fairly Western in design, composed mostly of bricks and possessing a few windows. Yuka stopped at the front door, fumbling with a key in her hand. Once she had it open and entered, I walked in myself, quietly closing the door behind me.

Yuka pointed to a couch in the front room. "Please, take a seat. Had you not been from the outside world, I would likely have attacked you as soon as you came into my territory, so do try not to do anything stupid, would you?" As I sat down, she walked into what must have been a kitchen, returning a minute later with a kettle and several cups. "Tea?" she asked.

"No thanks, water will do." I wasn't exactly surprised when I spoke Japanese. I figured that whatever she did with my head worked both ways. I looked around, taking in the simple yet elegant features of Yuka's home. "Nice house," I commented.

"Thanks. You know, you seem fairly level-headed in comparison to the others Yukari has sent here. Most of them would attempt to bolt for the edge of my sunflower fields, only to be gapped literally into my lap by Yukari. You can imagine how I feel about that," She gave me a wry smile. "What's more, you had the brains to avoid tampering with my flowers. I knew right away something wasn't right when Yukari left you here, but it took me a while to locate you without a sign from my children."

"I'll take that as a compliment," I said. "I'm not like most others, I prefer to think things through before I act." (A/N: Total lie.) "Likewise, you seem almost normal, nothing like the sadistic creature most people make you out to be."

Yuka gave me a look as she sipped her tea, but didn't react otherwise. "I can see why people would say that. I am actually fairly pleasant company to have around; I just really don't like it when people disturb my sunflowers. But anyways," she set down her teacup, "Now for the real reason I didn't kill you. I've been getting very annoyed by Yukari's antics, dragging outsiders into Gensokyo to be slaughtered piecemeal. I want you to break the cycle."

I paused. "Well, I don't see how I…" my rational side kicked in. "Wait, what?"

Yuka sighed. "Time and time again, Yukari drops her little pests (no offense to you, you seem to be a decent enough man) into Gensokyo. With no knowledge of danmaku or the spellcard system, they are easily defeated by wild youkai unless they can enlist the help of the locals to teach them. Even then, unless they get lucky or are exceptionally quick at learning magic, they are easy game. You're very lucky that Yukari brought you here, as nobody with in the right mind dares enter my sunflower fields."

I cringed. "She _was_ going to send me to the Scarlet Devil Mansion."

Yuka chuckled. "I suppose you're more of the 'luck' sort of person. Anyway, All these people sooner or later end up here. I try my best to help them out, but then they piss me off when they mess with my sunflowers, usually practicing their danmaku, and I get labeled as a sadist for defending my territory. But hopefully," she concluded, gazing at me, "you will be different." She reached into her plaid vest and brought out a blank slip of paper, handing it to me.

"What is this?" I asked.

"A blank spellcard. Once you achieve some manner of proficiency with magic, you can channel it into that card create your own spell. I have more blanks, but I think it's best that you stick with just one for now."

"But I still don't know magic…" Before I could finish, Yuka threw a blanket at me.

"Get some sleep, you'll need it. Training begins in the morning."


	2. I Turn Myself Into a SpartanII

_The Next Morning_

"Alright, first things first, remove your shirt."

"What!"

"You heard me." Yuka stood off to the side of the forest clearing. "I need to see what you have to work with."

Grudgingly, I pulled off my tee, exposing my slightly chunky body. "Okay, no. This won't do at all." Yuka turned away in disgust. "If you want to stand a chance living in Gensokyo, let alone facing Yukari, you need to be fit in both mind and body. While you may have the first one covered, you sure as hell don't have the second."

"I expected as much," I muttered, putting my shirt back on. It couldn't be _that_ bad, could it?

"Alright, I think I know just what to start you out with." Yuka guided me to a nearby lake, the same one I saw when I first arrived in Gensokyo. "Take three laps around the lake, then you'll swim along the shore for another three. After that, we'll see how you fare with your dodging skills."

…Fuck.

XXXXX

"Ugh… I think I'm going to die…" I gasped as I began my second lap in the lake. This wouldn't have been so bad, had Yuka not killed my legs with the first three laps running around the lake. "Are you sure… that you're not a sadist?" I managed to speak when my head broke the surface of the water.

Yuka was floating above me, keeping track of my progress. "Are you kidding? This kind of exercise is child's play to an average villager here. Oh, the pitiful state of outsider humans these days…" she intoned.

I paused to catch my breath, floating on my back in the water. "Hey, don't look at me, I'm asthmatic. Exercise like this kills my lungs."

I suddenly found myself being lifted out of the water by the arm. "Well, why didn't you say so? I'm sure Eirin has something to fix that." Yuka dragged me out to the shore.

"Perhaps it's because you never asked," I said. Yuka merely shrugged.

"Anyway, I'll head over to Eientei and explain the situation. I'm sure they'd be willing to help out… if they decide not to try and kill me." She flew away without another look back.

Leaving me alone. In the middle of nowhere. Exhausted and with no magic to speak of. _Wow, I'm so _fucked_ right now._ Looking over, I saw my clothes, and on top of them, the blank spellcard.

_I wonder… She said to only attempt creating a spell once I knew magic. But what if the goal wasn't magical in nature?_

XXXXX

"Would you _please_ stop trying to kill me? I mean no harm." Yuka said quietly as she dodged another wave of arrows. Eirin had been practicing in Yuka's absence, combining her archery skills with Reisen's illusionary abilities to create a line of archers, making it impossible to tell which arrows were real and which weren't.

"Sure. Last time you said that, you Master Sparked the mansion." Eirin looked unusually pissed today. Must have been that time of the month again. "Now tell me the _real_ reason you came here."

"Just what I said. Yukari gapped another outsider to Gensokyo, and he's a sick one. Asthmatic, likely with several allergies to go with it."

Eirin paused. "Is that so? Then why isn't he here with you right now?"

Yuka froze. She'd left Luke at the lake. _Damn it._ "Look, can you just come by the sunflower fields later? I'll make it worth your while."

Eirin contemplated the offer, then sighed and lowered the bow. "Damn Hippocratic Oath... Fine. But I don't normally make personal visits, so this will cost you big time."

Yuka simply shrugged and shot off.

XXXXX

Trouble had struck almost immediately after Yuka had duped me to head to Eientei, in the form of one very berserk ⑨.

"Get back here! How dare you run from the Strongest!" Yes, that ⑨. What the ice fairy was doing so far from her home territory was beyond me. I was forced to weave through the trees, trying my best to outmaneuver the idiot Cirno. To no avail, as she continued follow me, leaving flash-frozen trees in her wake.

As much as I wanted to stand and fight, I knew she would kill me, and I did NOT want to die at the hands of the weakest character in Gensokyo. As I dodged another beam of ice, I reached into my pocket and pulled out the blank spellcard. I had an idea, but I was hoping to be able to at least test it before I actually used it in battle.

"You cannot run from me! _Eye em teh Strongest!_" Cirno cried again.

_Like hell you are. _I raised the blank card and cried, "Mythology 'Wrath of Leonidas'!" As the last word left my mouth, everything seemed to slow down around me. I could see individual ice crystals slice through the air as another beam shot past my head. Even though everything around me seemed to be going slow-mo, I could still hear with perfect clarity the ice fairy's cries. _Hunh. So this is what Spartan Time feels like,_ I thought. Finding new courage, I turned back to Cirno.

Cirno continued flying straight at me, pulling out her own spellcard. Big mistake—I reached out and grabbed the fairy by her neck as soon as she got close enough. She could only manage a wail of surprise as I flung her headfirst into a tree. She struck the trunk with a muffled crunch, her body vanishing in a puff of snow.

As the adrenaline in my system faded away, I gazed at the pile of snow that was once a fairy in wonder. _Just wait until the other fairies catch word of this,_ I thought to myself, just before I passed out.

XXXXX

Yuka looked over Luke's unconscious form on the ground. She'd been about a minute away when she heard Luke's cry, and had arrived to find him like this. A few feet away, a pile of snow was desperately trying to return to its fairy form. She blasted it away for good measure. That done, she crouched down and slapped him lightly to try and wake him up. No good, he was out like a light.

Then she noticed what he had in his hand. The once-blank spellcard was now tinted bronze, and depicted the silhouette of a Spartan's plumed helmet. _Odd. He used it barely more than a minute ago, and already the card has regenerated,_ Yuka thought._ Oh well, better get him back to the fields. _She grabbed Luke by the collar of his shirt and flew away.

XXXXX

I was back at Yuka's house when I woke up, lying on the couch. "That was stupid, you know," Yuka greeted me, not even bothering with a 'welcome back.' "You cast a spell you created on the spot, with no thought beforehand, with no idea what impact it would have on your body.

"I must admit though, I am impressed. With no prior knowledge of magic, you succeeded in creating a spell that enhances your physical strength to extraordinary levels, if only for a short span of time. Even I wouldn't have been able to kill Cirno just by throwing her at a tree, and I'm one of the most powerful youkai in Gensokyo." Yuka picked up my spellcard, which was lying on the table in front of me. "'Wrath of Leonidas'… a Spartan, eh? I mean, I know who the Spartans are, but that doesn't explain your incredible strength boost."

_That's because you're thinking of the wrong kind of Spartan,_ I thought to myself.

"Well, if you could find a way to refine this spell, perhaps increase the duration, physical conditioning wouldn't be a problem. It also has a relatively short cooldown, as I found you only about a minute after you killed Cirno, and your spellcard had already regenerated. Again, a very impressive first attempt," Yuka concluded.

"Any idea why it knocked me out, though? I don't want to faint every time I cast a spell."

"Probably due to your weak constitution. You said you were asthmatic, right? That tends to wreak havoc on magic draining. Usually, people like you stick to external vessels to concentrate their magic, like Patchouli Knowledge and her books and gems. Oh yeah, that reminds me," Yuka whistled, and Eirin walked in.

"So, you're the outsider," Eirin cooed, undressing me with her eyes. "Sorry Yuka, I guess you weren't lying after all. This kid IS sick." She produced a notepad. "I took some blood samples while you were unconscious. Asthmatic, allergies to rabbits, cats, birds… I'm amazed he didn't drop dead of anaphylactic shock the moment he set foot in Gensokyo. He also spears to suffer from an autism spectrum disorder. (A/N: I actually have all these.)"

Eirin looked me in the eyes. "Lack of focus and depth perception, glaze over the eyes… very poor vision, with the left eye in a particularly worse state than the right. (A/N: also true.) Was he wearing glasses when you found him?"

"I think so," Yuka shrugged. "Found him sleeping under a tree. I heard something crack when I stepped toward him." _Oh yeah, that's right,_ I thought. _I was thinking that Yukari broke them to spite me._

I addressed Eirin directly. "So, doc, what's the prognosis? Am I doomed, or do you have some magical cure-all medicine?" All I got with the joke was a blank stare from both girls.

"Technically, I DO have a cure-all, and it's called the Hourai Elixir. No chance in Hell I'm letting you take that." Eirin reached into a pouch at her hip and brought out several tablets. "I _can_ cure the individual ailments, though. You'll be in a coma for a few days as your body adjusts to three different medications simultaneously, but you'll come out of it a much healthier young man."

I thought about it for a moment, then nodded. "I'll take it. Besides, I like to sleep, and it beats being KO'd by my own spells." I popped the pills into my mouth and raised my glass of water.

I was out cold before I could even say 'bottoms up.'

XXXXX

It wasn't difficult for Yukari to get a hold of the sword. It had simply been left behind his door. Yukari could get away with just walking in and taking the sword because she had enlisted Keine to conceal Luke's history. As long as he remained in Gensokyo, his family would continue living as if he had never been born, and once he returned, it would be as if he never left.

She had really came to his house in the first place to plunder his possessions Marisa-style, but when she closed the door, the blade had tipped over and landed on her foot. Yukari could hardly contain her laughter as she spotted the culprit: a replica of the Master Sword, every gamer's dream weapon, up there with the Covenant energy sword and Starman.

She'd been listening in on Luke's first conversation with Yuka and had heard him mention that he had some experience with swordplay. She decided to gap the sword to him, partly out of pity for the sickly boy, partly out of the anticipation of seeing him swinging around a blade straight out of the Legend of Zelda. In return, she decided to keep his iPod (the one she had was 5 years outdated, and Luke had the latest model), pulling it out of her robe and tossing it into another gap. After a moment's consideration she deftly plucked his iHome off of his nightstand and dropped it into her void along with the iPod.

She contemplated taking his laptop as well, but decided that would be going a little too far, and instead simply returned to Gensokyo.

XXXXX

Eirin slapped the boy a couple of times to make sure he was really out of it. "Alright, the medicine seems to be kicking in. Now," she turned to Yuka, "for the matter of payment. It isn't cheap to cure a lifelong problem on the spot, let alone three. I'd estimate your bill at around 26,000 yen, and another 15,000 for the house call. Would you like to pay up front or in installments?"

With a perfectly straight face, Yuka answered Eirin with a Master Spark.

_Pichu~n_

As Eirin flew away in panic, Yuka heard the telltale rip of a gap opening up behind her. She shifted her parasol to prepare to fire, but a sword fell out of the gap instead of Yukari. Attached to the scabbard was a note:

_Luke may want this. Just tell him I'll be taking his iPod as repayment for this little favor. –Yukari 3_

Yuka pondered what an iPod was before simply shrugging and setting the blade down on the table. That matter settled, she left to water her flowers.

XXXXX

I woke up a week later. As I rubbed the crust out of my eyes, I realized that my chest felt so much lighter, and my breathing less winded. I could also see everything clearly. I sat up from the couch and stretched, my joints popping and aching somewhat from going a week without being used.

"I see you're awake." Yuka walked in, a bag of what must have been groceries in her hands. "You were asleep quite a bit longer than Eirin expected, so you're probably famished." She tossed the bag to me. Inside were a couple of ham sandwiches and a six-pack of soda. As I looked up to her in confusion, she said, "Yukari had them sitting around in her cooler. She said that you would be a bit picky about what you eat, so she gave them to me for when you woke up."

I unwrapped one of the sandwiches and took a bite. After I swallowed, I asked, "She say anything about me?"

"No, but she did leave you something else." Yuka walked out of the room and returned carrying my prized Master Sword replica. "She said that she was taking your 'iPod' as repayment for bringing this to you."

"Figures. She would never do something out of the kindness of her heart... if she even has one."

This, surprisingly, elicited a laugh from Yuka. "Indeed. Perhaps once you've gotten yourself composed, you can take that fancy blade of yours for a test."

I tugged the blade out of its sheath, examining the polished metal and the image of the Triforce engraved at the base. "It depends on what I'm going to practice _on_. This thing was actually more or less just for display. Yeah, it's sharp, but it won't hold up to a real swordfight, let alone a Gensokyan swordfight. More than likely it would shatter the moment I crossed swords with my opponent. But maybe..."

"What?"

I wedged a fingernail into a small groove at the base of the blade, and after a moment of prying, the handle fell free, leaving me holding just the sharpened metal. "Perhaps I could have someone in Gensokyo re-forge the blade for me, make it into a real weapon. Is there an exceptional blacksmith anywhere around here?"

Yuka leaned back in her seat, pondering my words. "I think there is a smithy in the Human village who could do that, but it would be ridiculously expensive, and a preventive measure at best. Most weapons wielded by youkai are a part of their being, making them near-unbreakable. Your best option is to find a sturdier material to replace the blade. Enchanting it wouldn't hurt either; Reimu or Sanae, either will do. A holy weapon would be able to stand up to youkai, perhaps even kill them if you wound them severely enough."

That struck a chord in my mind. "Yukari told me that any decent weapon could kill a youkai, but hearing otherwise from you, I'm inclined to believe she lied."

Yuka nodded. "Most likely. That reminds me, how exactly did you anger her enough to dump you in my territory?"

I laughed as I recalled my first encounter. "I surprised her while she was stalking me. She fell out of her gap and nearly broke her neck. And then I insulted her by calling her gap hag."

Yuka laughed too. "You've got guts, kid. You got on the bad side of a youkai who could kill you without even trying and walked away."

"I have just one question though, Miss Kazami. Why are you putting up with me? You could have easily thrown me to the wolves without a second thought, yet you went out of your way to take me in and offered to teach me how to survive in Gensokyo."

"Out of respect for your balls, you can call me Yuka. As for why I protected you..." Yuka paused. "...I honestly don't know. I was prepared to kill you when I found you trespassing in my sunflower field, but some part of me was inclined to spare you for some reason." She didn't bother to elaborate. "Take some time to remember how your body works, then get to sleep. I get the feeling that tomorrow will be a very eventful day for you."

After she left the room, I stood up and stretched some more. I spotted a mirror on the wall, and noticed that my clothes seemed to be a bit baggier than before. Curious, I pulled off my shirt. Apparently, I had burned off a shitload of energy in that coma and spellcard, because I looked like I had lost about 20 pounds.

The only thing going through my mind at that moment was _HIBERNATION FTW!_


	3. I Take a Trip to Voile

"So, what's your plan?" Yuka asked me, examining the hilt of my sword.

"I think I've got an idea of who to go to…"

Yuka eyed me warily. "Just remember, wherever you decide to go, you're on your own. I can provide you with some rations for you, but you will have to make the trip yourself."

"Actually, I have a better idea," I said, then looked up to the ceiling and called, "Hey, Yukari! You up?"

Almost immediately, I heard someone yawn. "There's no need to shout, you know. I'm right here." Yukari emerged from Yuka's bedroom rubbing her eyes. "What do you want? I'm really not in the mood right now."

Yuka shot Yukari a look of annoyance as I screamed _what the fuck_ in my head. "Sleeping in my bed _again_? Honestly, I need a security system."

Yukari returned the flower youkai's glare. "It's useless trying to keep me out. I can go wherever I want."

Before the argument could escalate, I butted in. "Can you take me to the SDM? I've got some business with Patchy." I had to stop and dodge a knife flying out of nowhere_. I really need to work on my Japanese accent, Sakuya almost headshot me just now._

Both girls turned to face me. "Damn, I knew you had a mental disorder, but I never expected you to go suicidal without your meds," Yukari chuckled.

"I think you would make great friends with Tenshi," Yuka added with a smirk.

"Oh, shut up," I shot back. "You were going to take me there anyway, right, Yukari?"

Yukari shrugged. "Meh, you've got a point. Alright, give me a minute."

As she drifted away to get some coffee, Yuka tossed me a burlap sack. Inside were some candy bars and bottles of water. "Thanks," I told her. Before she could say anything back, though, Yukari gapped me.

XXXXX

I landed outside the back gate of the SDM. As soon as I sat up, my sword dropped out of the gap and buried itself in the ground mere inches from my crotch. _Now where have I seen this scenario before..._ I thought sarcastically to myself, shaking off my unease before pulling the blade out and walking around to the front of the mansion.

Sure enough, I saw a bundle of green and red at the gate. Hong Meiling was snoozing on the ground, curled up in the fetal position. I stepped over and prodded her with my shoe.

"Mmh...No, Sakuya... no more knives, please..." She was whimpering. Damn, she was completely out of it. I tried kicking her in the face. "Mph!" Her cry of surprise was muffled by my foot.

Brought to her senses, Meiling sprang to her feet, crouched into a fighting stance. "You shall not pass!" She cried as she zeroed in on me.

I brought up my hands. "Easy, there. I just came to speak with somebody at the mansion."

Meiling relaxed slightly but remained poised to strike. "Is that so? Well, I guess it depends on who you wanted to see."

"Patchy,"I replied, my accent still crap. Luckily, no knife appeared this time.

"Let me ask Sakuya what she thinks about this." Meiling dropped the stance, and simply stood with arms crossed.

"No need. I'm already here." Sakuya materialized behind Meiling and smacked her in the back of her head. She then turned to me. "Why are you here?"

"Yukari sent me. She asked for a favor from Patchouli, but being the lazy old hag she is, she sent me in her place."

Sakuya nodded. "Hmm. Seems like something she would do... okay, I can believe that." She motioned for Meiling to unlock the gate, then walked to the mansion, gesturing me to follow. "Also, work on your pronunciation. I could have killed you back there when you said 'Patchy.'"

XXXXX

I walked through the front door of the mansion, emerging into a large domed chamber. "Before you are allowed to see Patchouli, you'll need to speak with the Mistress. Are you okay with that?" Sakuya asked me.

_Knew this was going to happen one way or the other. Might as well get it over with._ "Yes."

"...Sakuya. Who is this man?" I jumped when I heard someone right behind me. I turned around and came face-to-face with a small girl with bat wings, pink clothes, and light blue hair. Remilia.

"Mistress. This man has come with a request from Yukari Yakumo..." Sakuya turned to me. "Say, what is it that she wants, anyway?"

I reached back and drew the Master Sword, showing it to the girls. "Yukari sent me here with this sword to ask for Patchouli's skill in alchemy. This blade is unfit for use in combat."

Remilia snatched the blade from my hands. "Yes, it is. Much too light and flimsy. I could break this thing just by trying to cut myself." She expression was unreadable. "Would you like me to? Break it, I mean."

I held up my hands. "No, thank you. I'll do just fine with taking it to Patchouli."

"Jeez, I was just kidding. Alright, Sakuya, take him to Voile."

XXXXX

"Miss Patchouli." Sakuya's voice echoed through the magic library, so there was no need to raise her voice.

After a few seconds, a little girl with long violet hair and a similarly-colored gown floated into view. "Ah, Sakuya. Good afternoon." She turned to me. "And you must be..."

"Luke Thesda. Yukari brought me to Gensokyo from the outside world."

Patchouli drifted forward to get a closer look at me. From this distance, I could see just how pale she was; the poor girl was nearly bone-white. "Hm. I guess Marisa was telling the truth when she said Yuka had picked up a hitchhiker."

I had several questions at that instant: 1) Just what happened while I was out, 2) how Marisa had even gotten into Yuka's house, and 3) How Patchy had gotten that information out of Marisa. Instead of any of those, I asked, "I've got a little problem. Would you be willing to help me?"

Patchouli cocked her head. "Really? Considering I don't even know you, I think you'd be better off going elsewhere for help."

I thought about that for a moment until a lightbulb lit up in my head. "What if I were to bring you some books from the outside world?"

Patchouli raised an eyebrow. "Go on."

"I've got all sorts of books back at my home in the outside world. Romance, science fiction, poetry, graphic novels, even some educational textbooks. And if you can help me out, they're all yours."

Patchouli considered this. _His offer _is_ quite appealing. Almost 95% of the books in Voile are nothing but grimoires, maps, and diaries._ "...Very well, I'll take you up on your offer. What is it you want help with?"

To answer, I reached down to my belt and drew the replica sword, presenting it to the magician. "Yukari left this sword for me to defend myself against youkai."

Patchouli took the sword and examined it, sliding her hand across the edge of the blade and prodding the tip with her index finger. Confused, she flicked the blade, holding it close to her ear to detect the vibration of the metal. "Well, the blade consists of an aluminum body, the sharpened edge a mix of iron and nickel. Very nice for displays, but utterly useless in a real fight."

Sakuya nodded, still staring at the sword. "It is quite well-cared for. Whoever maintained it knew what they were doing. Also, what is that design at the base of the blade? A triangle?"

"That would be me, thank you for the compliment. And that's the mark of the person who crafted the sword." (A/N: Total lie, but it would be difficult explaining what a "Triforce" is.)

Patchouli sheathed the sword and set it down on the nearby table. "I assume you came tome asking for help to make this a real weapon?"

"Yes. It would be too expensive for me to get an entirely new blade forged, and I figured alchemy might be able to fix my dilemma."

Patchouli nodded. "Very perceptive. True, we could use transmutation to convert the two metals into something stronger. However, transmuting two different materials into one uniform blade would be...unwise, to say the least."

"Why?"

"Well, how do I put this... the process is not dissimilar to putting two magnets together. If they have the same electromagnetic charge, the two materials would repel each other. And as the sharpened aluminum edge of the blade is molded onto the iron body itself, leaving no room for movement, the tension from transmuting the two metals into one would build until the blade literally exploded in your hands."*

I shivered at the thought. "I see. Well, what about titanium for the body, possibly with a diamond edge?"

Patchouli nodded. "That's a reasonable choice. Titanium has a certain degree of flexibility, lightweight, and a very high resistance to heat. I can easily fabricate such a heavy metal as titanium from the existing materials. However," She gave me a wry smile, "the diamond will cost you."

Before I could respond, a sudden chill ran down my spine. Acting on instinct, I immediately brought out my only spellcard. "Mythology 'Wrath of Leonidas!'"

Just in time. As Spartan Time kicked in and I dove to the left, Marisa Kirisame shot past me and slammed straight into Sakuya. As Marisa bounced back into the air, disoriented, Sakuya crashed into the nearest bookcase.

I heard another girl fast approaching. "Come back, Mari-nee! I wasn't going to _kyuu_ you!" _Flandre. Of course._

An idea formed in my mind. I moved to the side of the entrance, waiting for Flandre to arrive. My timing perfect, I reached out and caught her leg, using her momentum to swing her around and redirect her flight.

That did the trick. Marisa's and Flandre's heads smashed together with a hollow_ thunk_, and the two fell together, crashing on the ground in a heap. Having done its work, the magic in my body dissipated, and I fell to my knees, gasping for air. Even with my improved physical condition, the spell was still tiring as fuck, but it beat knocking myself out. _Oh wait, never mind, there it goes_, I thought as I fainted.

XXXXX

Now the only physically unharmed person in the library, Patchouli began darting about, checking the individual victims. Sakuya was bruised and battered, but managed to give Patchy a thumbs-up. Likewise, Flandre was dazed by the impact, but otherwise fine, in contrast with the now-comatose witch. Patchouli was certain she would be fine; she'd been through worse, like having her leg _kyuu_'d by the younger Scarlet.

The newcomer had been knocked out by his own spell, a reaction typical of an untrained spellcaster. He couldn't have been more than a novice, but for the brief moment that he maintained the spell, he showed strength and reflexes far greater than any average human, and even most youkai. That aside, he had just accomplished three deeds simultaneously: saved Sakuya, took out an intruder, and stopped Flandre, all while trying only to save his own ass.

_So, yeah_…Patchouli thought as she looked first at Sakuya as she picked Flandre up and took her back to the basement, then to Marisa's motionless body, then Luke, before her eyes came to rest on his sword. Without a word, she flew off to gather the necessary tomes for the transmutation spell.

XXXXX

"It's alright, Flan, nobody is mad at you," Sakuya said, trying to comfort a whimpering Flandre. "I just need you to tell me who let you out of your room."

"There was this really nice lady in purple and white clothes, and she let me out, and she told me that Mari-nee was here and that I should play with her…" Sakuya stopped Flandre's train of thought with a finger to her lips. As she sang a lullaby to lull the little girl to sleep, her mind was racing. _Yukari? But why would she…_ _Wait, Luke said that she sent him here, and Flandre was loose less than an hour_ _later…_

Flandre had fallen asleep in Sakuya's arms. She set her down gently on her bed and tiptoed out, closing and locking the door behind her. "Just what are you playing at, Yukari?" she spoke to the wind.

She received no immediate response, though she swore she heard Yukari's silent laughter echo through the hallway. _Ufufufu…_

XXXXX

"Ugh, why do I wake up feeling like shit every time this happens?" I asked myself after I came to. I was still in Voile, but a futon had been spread out on the ground for me to lie on. Patchouli sat in a floating recliner, sipping tea.

"Because you're naturally shit at magic, of course," Patchouli responded mockingly. "But, of course, such is to be expected of an outsider."

"Hey, don't look at me. I honestly think my first spell worked out great. All I need to do is improve my stamina and..."

Patchouli cut me off. "Your capacity for magic has nothing to do with stamina. It involves the amount of magic your body can channel into any particular spell. Because you come from the outside, you grew up with next to no magical exposure, which, to an extent, defines a spellcaster's minimum limits. Perhaps copious amounts of faith would help in your spiritual growth, but you don't look like the religious type to me. So, that leaves one other option."

I knew right away what she was getting at. "A magic vessel."

"Smart boy. Naturally, some materials make more suitable vessels for magic than others. For example, I use crystals. Which reminds me…"

She walked over to the desk and picked up my sword, tossing it to me. As I pulled the blade out of the scabbard, I wasn't disappointed with what I saw. The hilt differed little from the original, though the blade was now firmly fused to the handle and crossguard, making the sword a singular object. The blade itself, once a gleaming silver, was now a somewhat duller shade typical of heavier metals, but still cast quite a glare. Finally, true to Patchouli's word, the blade edge was crystalline and glowed with a sky-blue hue—diamond.

"Diamond is one of the best magic conductors out there, so you can channel danmaku through the sword itself. I also replaced that little yellow chip in the pommel with an amber stone, which conducts magic somewhat less efficiently, but still useful in a pinch. Perhaps for that physical enhancement spell you used earlier."

"Damn," I muttered under my breath. She had really gone all out to make this thing a viable weapon, while still making it look good. "So, what do I owe you?"

"Well, considering the fact that you took out both Marisa and Flandre at the same time, putting a halt to one's rampage and saving my library from the other, the SDM honestly owes _you_. I made it up to you with the enhanced blade…Wait, where did it go?" I looked to my lap, and sure enough, the sword was nowhere to be found.

"_Better luck next time-ze!"_ Marisa cried as she made her getaway through an open window. I moved to grab something, anything that I could throw at her, but Patchouli stopped me and held up three fingers. _Three… two… one… BOOM._

I could hear a _zzzeeee…_ as Marisa was blasted into orbit. "Magic discharge," Patchouli explained. "I performed some side magic with your sword and a bit of your blood. The blade is now bound to your spirit, and it will create a magical explosion if it's in anyone's hands other than yours for more than three seconds."

…_Hell…Yes._

XXXXX

*I was speculating about this 'exploding sword' thing, I don't know if it would really happen. I didn't want to make the whole sword titanium or diamond, and I couldn't just dismiss those options as 'being too much of a hassle to accomplish.'


	4. I Almost Go Kyuu

(Author's Note: Remember how I said in the last chapter that I would turn Luke into a Yukari clone? I changed my mind. I could find no good way to write that kind of plot twist, so I dropped it. Instead, I thought of something better.)

"You'd best get out of here," Patchouli told me as I looked out the window. "Sooner or later Remilia's going to find out about that stunt you pulled with Flandre."

I strapped the scabbard onto my back. "Thanks for the heads-up." I made my way to the door, but Patchouli stopped me with a hand on my shoulder. For a supposedly weak youkai, her grip was solid.

"Remember the books." Patchouli smiled. "I expect you to hold up your end of the bargain. I'm a patient girl, though, so there's no time limit."

I thanked her and left the Voile, exiting through the front door of the mansion. I found my sword buried right in front of Meiling, who was staring at it in wonder.

"This sword must be a sign from the gods! I will become the greatest dragon in Gensokyo!" Without even slowing my pace, I walked past her, uprooting the sword and sheathing it in one fluid movement. Meiling was left behind me with a very confused expression on her face.

I had gotten about 15 feet away when a gap opened beneath me. _Crap_¸ I thought as I fell.

XXXXX

Sakuya noticed immediately when Luke vanished. "Alright, Yukari, come out here. Just what do you think you're doing?"

"_Why, just having a little fun, of course."_ Sakuya looked up to see Yukari leaning out of a gap several feet above her. "I was wondering what would happen if Luke was forced into a fight with Flandre. Frankly, I wasn't expecting him to play shot-put with the girl, so I decided to take matters into my own hands."

"Are you _insane!_ She'll kill him!" Sakuya knew that Yukari had a troublemaking streak, but this was being taken too far.

"Meh, I'm sure he can handle it. By the way, Reimu told me that Marisa just landed unconscious in front of her shrine. Any idea how that happened?"

_Alright, now I'm pissed._ "ZA WARUDO!"

XXXXX

I landed in a large, dimly-lit room. Remembering the glow that my diamond-edged sword gave off, I brought it out to illuminate the chamber.

"Who are you?" A familiar voice reached my ears. _Oh, you've GOT to be kidding me._I was in Flandre's room. Broken toys were strewn all across the floor, and sitting on the bed at the corner of the room was the pyromaniac herself.

Flandre gave a cry of surprise as she recognized my face. "You're the one who threw me at Mari-nee! You meanie!" She raised her hand, and the chamber was bathed in blood-red light as she shot a burst of danmaku orbs at me.

I threw myself to the side. The orbs continued past me and exploded on the far wall, leaving massive craters. _That could have been me,_ I thought as I raised my sword to block another blast of danmaku. To my and Flandre's surprise, the bullets shrank and dissipated completely on contact with the blade. At the same time, the sword's glow intensified.

Just my luck, my sword could actually drain magic on contact. I'm sure that this was likely an unintended side-effect of making the blade out of magically-conductive diamond. Enraged, Flandre fired more danmaku, only to have it repeatedly absorbed by the sword.

"You may have sucked up my bullets, but let's see you beat _this_!" Lævateinn appeared in Flandre's hands in a burst of light. With a wicked laugh, she charged.

Despite my human nature, I was able to hold my ground when I blocked the vampire's overhand swing, leading me to conclude that Flandre was merely toying with me. Lævateinn's blazing aura dimmed slightly as our blades collided. I stepped forward and made a swing of my own. Flandre easily parried the blow that would have taken her head off, but the flames that engulfed her sword flickered again.

I realized that my sword was draining magic from Lævateinn, weakening the weapon. Recognizing an advantage, I pressed forward. Sparks flew as me and the vampire exchanged blows. Flandre seemed to be consciously limiting herself, because I would already be dead otherwise. As out blades clashed repeatedly, Lævateinn's flames grew continuously dimmer, to the point where the blade pretty much resembled a length of sharpened coal.

At last, I got a lucky break. Stealing a page from Fire Emblem, I tossed the sword in the air. Flandre's gaze wandered up, distracting her long enough for me to push her to the ground (a bit of a cheap move, but hey, you'd do it too if your life was on the line). As she hit the floor, the sword came down. I lunged forward, catching the blade in the air, and executed a jump strike.

Flandre brought up Lævateinn to block the swing, but her weakened blade could take no more. Cracks spider-webbed across Lævateinn's surface as it collided with my sword for the last time. With a bang, the magic sword exploded, throwing both of us back several feet.

As I sat up, cursing myself for not thinking about what would happen when the sword broke, I looked to Flandre. She stared at me, the fury in her eyes replaced by an unspeakable madness, a demented smile stretching across her face. She began to giggle hysterically in a very disturbing manner. Before I could get up, the girl pointed at me.

I thought to myself, _Christ, what I wouldn't give to be out of here right now…_

For some reason or another, fate decided to grant me my wish. Just before Flandre went "Kyuu," there was a flash, and my world went white.

XXXXX

The madness that controlled Flandre finally released its grip on her, and she slumped to the ground. Immediately, something felt wrong.

Flandre stared at the spot where the man had once stood in confusion. He _did_ vanish in a blast of light and heat when she made him go _kyuu_, but normally there was something left behind in the wake of the explosion—namely, splashes of blood and dismembered limbs. Still, that magic sword of his was really strange; it had sucked up her bullets, and the light it gave off was very uncomfortable to Flandre.

Her train of thought was interrupted as the door to her room was smashed open. Remilia, with Sakuya and Patchouli following close behind, stormed in. Sakuya's maid outfit was shredded, and one of her own knives was lodged in the back of her right thigh. When they realized that Luke was nowhere in sight, they turned to Flandre. "What happened?" Remilia asked her. "Where's the boy?"

For some reason, she didn't seem quite that mad about Luke throwing Flandre around. She didn't see any real reason to hate him; he put down a pest intruding in her mansion _and_gotten Flandre to stop misbehaving, even if his techniques were a little… unorthodox.

"I… I think I made him go _kyuu_…" Flandre replied. The uneasiness in her voice was a sure sign that something was wrong. "…But I don't see any of him in here." Patchouli created a witchlight to illuminate the room more clearly. Sure enough, where Luke had once stood, there was a meter-wide crater. Not a single drop of blood was in sight.

"Patchy." Sakuya spoke as she sat against a wall and gently eased the knife out of her leg. "It's very faint, but I'm sensing something not dissimilar to one of Yukari's gaps."

"But if what you told me on the way down here is true, then Yukari was the one who left him here for Flandre. Why would she save him?"

This time, Remilia was the one to interrupt. "Maybe it wasn't her doing…"

Patchy looked to Remilia, confused. "Then who else could have done it? There's only one living being in Gensokyo capable of teleportation, and that's Yukari."

"Does Yukari leave craters in the ground whenever she gaps?" A pause. "I thought so. This is the mark of an amateur who can't refine the teleportation process. Patchy, return to Voile and bring me any books you can find relating to teleportation, and possibly reverse-summoning of familiars." Patchouli nodded, then drifted away. "In the meantime, Sakuya, if you can, follow the trail of residual magic left by the gap. Wherever it ends, Luke might be nearby."

"Would it be okay if I get cleaned up first, Mistress?" Sakuya asked sheepishly.

"That's fine by me, but hurry up. I don't know how long this trail is going to last."

XXXXX

When the light faded, I was no longer in Flandre's room. I was in _a_ room, to be sure, but I could tell just from the atmosphere and décor that I had left the Scarlet Devil Mansion. Even in the more comfortable public and visitors' rooms at the SDM, there was always a sinister feeling in the air, one that made me feel unwanted. This building offered much more of a warm welcome. However…

"Yes, everything here is slightly cozier due to living in Former Hell, in comparison to that cold, stuffy death trap of a mansion." There was the matter of Satori Komeji. I turned to face a young-looking girl with short magenta hair and a large red eye over her heart. "That aside, who are you and what are you doing in my home?"

_Oh damn. I don't even know how I got here, what do I say—"_Sounds like Yukari gapped you," Satori interjected. "She doesn't send people down here very often—not that I _want_ her to. Now, your name?"

_I haven't met the girl for five seconds and she's already reading my mind._ "Luke."

"Don't judge me. I can't control whose mind I want to read, and you're currently the only person here." Satori looked past me to the pile of stone that was caught in the gap. "Hmm. Either Yukari is getting sloppy, or this wasn't her doing. Just where are you from?"

"The outside world. I was brought to Gensokyo by Yukari, but I don't know why." I recalled fondly when I nearly caused the gap youkai to break her neck.

"Not bad. I commend you for provoking one of the most powerful beings in Gensokyo and getting away with it. Then again… you have someone backing you who's on par with her." She cocked her head, intrigued. "Amazing. I've never seen Yuka show mercy to anyone who set foot in her sunflower field. You must certainly be something special."

I shrugged. "Well, it helps that I didn't touch her flowers. Now, I'm very sorry for intruding in your home, but I need to get going. Would you mind pointing me towards the exit?" I stepped towards the door, but Satori blocked my path.

"Not so fast. You are the first outsider I've met in a _long_ time. By your calendar, my last foreign visitor was from around 1683. I've got over three hundred years of catching up to do, and I'd like you to stay and chat." _God, help me._ "Prayer will do you no good here. Kanako couldn't care less about someone with no faith. Now, where to begin…"

Up to that point, I had been preoccupied with Satori. But now I noticed that something about me felt _wrong_. Like a part of me was missing, but I couldn't tell exactly what it was. That was when I realized something else: _where's my sword?_

XXXXX

Meanwhile, at the Moriya Shrine, a similar event was taking place. Sanae Kochiya was doing her usual things, sweeping the front porch of the shrine and being a good girl. She had no warning when there was a flash of light and something large and heavy landed on her. With a squeak of surprise, Sanae dropped to the ground. She heard another grunt from whatever was now crushing her ribcage, leading her to believe that Yukari or that damned karakasa had jumped her.

Instead, when she pushed her attacker off and got to her feet, brandishing her gohei, she was met with a very peculiar sight. Curled up on the ground, clutching her stomach where Sanae had elbowed her, was a girl in outsider clothes. Aside from the hair, which was a rich chestnut brown, she looked remarkably similar to Yukari. Strapped on her back was a blade that the former-outsider miko recognized as none other than the Master Sword from Legend of Zelda fandom.

Before Sanae had a chance to snatch the blade and fawn over it, the girl coughed and sat up. "Where am I?" She croaked. She looked around, taking in her surroundings, before her eyes came to rest on Sanae. "Who are you?" 

"Who are _you_?" Sanae retorted. "You're the one who so rudely interrupted my sweeping."

The girl scrutinized Sanae with her hazel eyes. "Doesn't seem like that big a deal, sweeping. You must have nothing else to do if you're worried about something so petty."

Sanae was prepared to slap the girl for berating her, but then she realized that she was right. She sighed and held out her hand. "Sanae Kochiya."

The girl took Sanae's hand, muttering "thanks," and pulled herself up. "I'm sorry, Miss Sanae, but I don't really know who I am. In fact, I don't know anything at all."

"An amnesiac, huh? Perhaps I could help you with that. I _am_ a miracle worker, after all." Sanae stared at the girl. "But in the meantime, I need something to call you other than 'girl.' How does the name Lucille sound?"

"I don't know why, but that name seems familiar…" 'Lucille' smiled. "Alright, Lucille it is."

At that moment, Sanae noticed something odd about the girl. As a shrine maiden, Sanae could feel the presence of spirits, an ability that she abused in her youkai-hunting habits. She could even see the souls of humans, though that wasn't exactly necessary. Souls manifested themselves in Sanae's vision as scrolls, glowing in a myriad of colors that represented the being's personality.

But this girl… her 'scroll' was torn in half down the middle. _What in the world..._

XXXXX

Remilia felt a tingle in her spine that signaled Sakuya's return. "Did you find him?" she asked.

Sakuya appeared alongside her. "About that, Mistress… there's been a complication."

"What went wrong? Did the trail go cold? Did Yukari intercept you?"

"Actually… the trail split."

"What?" Remilia turned to her maid, eyebrows raised.

"Yes. After following the trail for a few minutes, it split in two different directions. After some exposition, I found that the trail had been divided at the approximate midpoint between Youkai Mountain, likely pointing to the mountain shrine, and the entrance to Former Hell."

Remilia paused, deep in thought. "Well, this complicates things." Finally, she waved her hand dismissively. "You know what? Contact the Hakurei girl, let her sort this mess out. I no longer want anything to do with that boy, after what he did here."

XXXXX

"She awake yet?" Reimu Hakurei asked, sipping her tea.

"Nah, she's still out of it," Suika Ibuki, resident Oni, replied. "I took her Hakkero just in case she tries to kill someone when she wakes up." She set the arcane relic on the kotatsu in front of Reimu.

"Good idea. I think it's _that_ time of the month for her, anyway. Hey, please don't ruin my cups with your alcohol! I thought you drank it straight from the gourd!" Reimu set her cup down and started berating Suika, who had taken a teacup and was pouring herself some sake.

"What? A girl can't be classy once in a while?" Suika mocked the shrine maiden.

A vein bulged on Reimu's forehead. "I have no problem with you acting civilized, but for the love of ZUN, _do it with your own china!"_

"Ah… have I come at a bad time?" Sakuya stood at the front door, tapping her foot impatiently.

"What do you want?" Reimu growled, gohei in hand.

"Relax, I was simply coming to tell you something. There's a potential incident in the works right now."

That got the shrine maiden. She glared at Sakuya for a few more seconds, then sighed and put away her weapon. "Damn it. Alright, what's happening?"

XXXXX

Author's Note: I… I got nothing to say that can redeem this chapter. Come at me, flamers.

I could honestly use some beta readers to help me write my fight scenes, 'cause I'm shitty at writing them. If you want to help make this a better fic, leave a review for me. PM me if you'd like to help me beta-write my chapters.


	5. I Meet My Soulbound Twin

"Wow. So much has happened in the past 300-plus years I've been cut off from the outside. Europe and the cradle of human civilization fell to complete shit, the New World as it was once called is now one of the greatest nations on planet Earth, and Gensokyo and its inhabitants are seen as little more than figments of man's imagination." Satori leaned back in her seat. "Kind of depressing, I must admit, but also a refreshing change of pace."

"Glad to know that humans are doing something right." I took it as a compliment.

"And you say that humans discovered nuclear power in the 1940's? Amazing. We only learned the potential of Utsuho's Third Leg a couple of years ago. This chat has been very enlightening for me."

I was strapped to a chair opposite Satori. She had been quite… forceful in her conversation tactics. "Now that you've caught up with the rest of the world… would you mind letting me go?" I asked quietly.

"Hmm? Oh yes, sorry." Satori walked over to me, undoing the straps holding me down. After checking to make sure the blood flow to my limbs was normal, I stood up and took a step… then collapsed.

"What happened? Are you alright?" Satori kneeled over to pick me up, easing me into her own seat.

"I don't know. Something just feels wrong with me. Like my chest feels… hollow."

"I've heard of symptoms like this before. I think my sister may be able to help. Koishi!" Satori called out.

"What is it sis? Okuu on the fritz again?" A girl that looked like a photo-negative of Satori appeared. She took one look at me and gasped. "Oh, my." She drifted over to Satori and whispered in her ear. The elder Komeji sister listened for a few moments, then paled.

"Well, what's wrong with me?" I asked the duo.

"Well…" Koishi started, "How would you react if I told you something was wrong with your heart?"

"I'd ask what the hell you mean."

"No need to be rude." Koishi pouted a bit. "You're missing half your soul."

I coughed. "WHAT?"

"Yes," Satori explained. "A gap manipulates the boundaries of reality, At some point from your transition from the Scarlet Devil Mansion to here, part of your soul split off in another direction."

"No wonder I feel like shit… Is there any way to find out where it went?"

Koishi shrugged. "Possibly. Once I touch a heart, I don't forget it. I could use that to track down your other half." She turned to Satori. "That is… if onee-sama will let me."

Satori looked to Koishi, then me, than back to Koishi. Finally, she sighed. "Very well. Be careful, sis. And _you_," She turned to me, "If she comes back with so much as a _scratch_, I will redefine 'mind-rape.' Got that?" I nodded quickly. "Good. Orin will escort you to the exit. Now go." She walked away.

XXXXX

"Suwako? Kanako?" Sanae walked into the shrine, Lucille following close behind. "We've got a visitor."

"Sanae!" The frog goddess Suwako bounced into the room. "Who's that you got there?" She looked to the Master Sword on Lucille's back. "Nice sword."

Sanae turned to Lucille. "Would you please wait outside? I've got some private business to talk about with a god." Lucille paused, confused, then her eyes widened in understanding. She quickly bowed and turned to leave. "Ah, please leave that blade here."

"No Sanae, it's best she keep it," Suwako interrupted. "I can sense a magic trap on that sword. It's rigged to blow anyone other than that girl sky high." Sanae looked quickly back to Lucille, and nodded. The girl quietly stepped out.

"What's the problem?" Suwako got serious.

"She's an amnesiac. Can't seem to remember a thing about herself. What's more, her soul is damaged. It's as if it's been split in half."

"Odd. Where did you find her?"

"I didn't find her. She fell out of a gap, landed right on top of me. She also looks an awful lot like Yukari, don't you think?"

"I agree. This seems a bit too coincidental. There are rumors of a new outsider in Gensokyo, and all of a sudden this girl pops up out of nowhere with a sword from a video game."

"How do you suggest I handle it? I've worked with spiritual damage before, but not an outright division of the soul." Sanae sounded uncertain.

"I think I might know someone who can help. Koishi Komeji, an altered Satori from Former Hell. Her elder sister reads minds, while she herself reads and manipulates hearts. She may be of use."

Sanae glared at her (near-literal) godmother. "Work with a youkai? But you know how much I hate them. Isn't there any other way?"

Suwako crossed her arms and sighed. "Sanae, you have to realize that being a miko isn't all about hunting youkai. It's about helping anyone in need, regardless of the circumstances. I thought I raised you to be better than this."

Sanae was silent for a few moments. "…You're right. I'm letting my prejudice get in the way of my duties. Point me towards Former Hell, and I'll take care of it."

"The entrance is located about a mile away from the Human Village, in the most densely wooded part of the Forest of Magic. Take the girl with you; that sword of hers may be of use against the wild youkai that inhabit those parts. Good luck."

XXXXX

"So… where do we go from here?" I asked Koishi. We had emerged from the cave entrance that led to Former Hell, into a dense forest. I could practically feel the aggression emanating from the surrounding wildlife.

"First. Let's get out of this forest. We can't expect you to last long in your condition." Before I knew what was happening, Koishi had picked me up by the shoulders and floated up, above the trees. Looking around, she spotted a roof sticking out above the tree line, and drifted towards it.

"I feel a familiar heart…" Koishi whispered, setting me down on the ground and floating to the door. She knocked lightly on the door, and a few seconds later, a familiar face popped out from a crack in the door.

"Who is it-ze?" Marisa Kirisame grunted, looking down at Koishi. "Oh, it's you… what's your name? Satori something…"

"No, that's my sister. I'm Koishi."

"Koishi… Oh, I remember now! You're the one that scared Reimu out of Gensokyo for a month!* Unfortunately, your little tricks didn't work against me." She sneered. "Come to try again-ze?"

"Actually, no. Just stopping by to say hello. I'm helping this boy with some spiritual matters." She stuck a thumb at me.

Marisa looked over Koishi's shoulders, eyes narrowing. "YOU!" She ripped the door off its hinges, Hakkero in hand. "You're the one that blew me up earlier!""

"To be fair, you stole my sword and bolted. It's your fault for not bothering to check for booby traps," I pointed out.

Marisa pointed the Hakkero at me, preparing to fire a Master Spark, but was interrupted when something smashed into the back of her head with the force of a bowling ball. As she slumped to the ground, a large knot forming on the back of her skull, Reimu stepped out from the doorway. "Damn it, Marisa," she moaned. "No wonder you beat Satori, because you never think before you act."

She looked to Koishi, then me. "Koishi," she growled, "You have five seconds to explain what you're doing here before the ofuda and yin-yang orbs start flying."

"Easy, Reimu." Sakuya stepped up behind the miko. "Pleasure to make your acquaintance, miss Komeji." She spotted me. "Oh, Luke. The Mistress had me looking all over for you after you disappeared from Flandre's room."

"Sorry that I had to cut and run," I apologized. "Flan was about to kill me, but before she did, I was gapped."

Sakuya nodded. "Yes, Miss Remilia thought the same. Also, watch your back. She's very unhappy that you damaged Lævateinn."

"I figured as much. I wouldn't stand a chance against her with half a soul."

Sakuya's eyes widened, and she smacked her fist into her palm. "That explains it! I was tracking the path left by your gap when it split in two directions. That must have been your spirit being divided!"

"You have some grasp of the mechanics of space, right?" Sakuya nodded. "I just got out of Former Hell. Do you know where the other path went?"

"Yes, actually. The other path I managed to follow all the way to Youkai Mountain. My guess is, it's at the Moriya Shrine."

Koishi smiled. "Well, that makes things a lot simpler. All we need to do is head for the shrine, and we can fix Luke up good as new!"

"Hey Sakuya," Reimu spoke up. "Does this mean I'm not needed anymore?"

"I guess so, if Luke can handle it himself. Well," Sakuya said, turning to me, "I guess that means my job is done. Until we meet again…" She bowed and vanished.

XXXXX

"So, where to?" Lucille asked Sanae. They had just descended to the base of Youkai Mountain, and Sanae was taking a moment to reorient herself.

Sanae thought about Lucille's question, and then made up her mind. "I'm not very good at fighting, so I think I'll visit the Hakurei Shrine. My friend Reimu lives there, she may be able to help us out." She turned to the girl. "Do you know how to fly, by any chance?"

"Um, no." Lucille answered innocently. "Is it easy?"

"It takes some concentration, but all you need to do is imagine yourself soaring through the air like a bird." Lucille nodded and closed her eyes, focusing, and sure enough, she began to float a few inches off the ground. However, that was all she could manage before she dropped to the ground, panting.

"Huff, huff…" Lucille looked back to Sanae. "Is flying supposed to be this draining?"

"Usually, no, but your spirit is somewhat weak, so it may not work out." Sanae turned around and bent over. "Why don't you just get on my back? I'll fly the both of us."

"Are you sure? I don't want to hurt your back again." _Aw, so sweet,_ Sanae thought.

"It's fine. As a shrine maiden, I've had my mind and body trained extensively. It'll take more than a bad back to bring me down." Lucille acquiesced and climbed piggyback onto Sanae's shoulders, wrapping her arms around her neck. "_Adventure!"_ She cried playfully as the pair shot off into the sky.

XXXXX

_A few minutes later_

"Are you sure there isn't some other way to get around quickly?" I asked Koishi. She had been carrying me by the shoulders for the past few minutes, floating above the trees towards Youkai Mountain.

"Not really. Since pretty much everybody in Gensokyo can fly, we have no real need for alternative means of transport. Sure, there's gaps and the Yukari Express (_That really exists?_ I asked myself), but Yukari is too wily to be trusted."

"Agreed. She's the reason I'm even in this situation." I paused, noticing something zooming towards us. "Um, Koishi? You might want to look up."

She was looking everywhere except in front of her, taking in all the unfamiliar sights of Gensokyo that she had never before been allowed to see. Too late, she looked where she was going; there was a jarring impact as Koishi and I smashed into two other girls, one riding on the other's back.

Dazed, Koishi and the flying girl fell out of the sky… taking their respective charge with them. After a few seconds of smashing through tree branches, we finally hit the ground.

"Oww…" As the stars faded from my vision, I spotted Sanae Kochiya picking herself up. "Watch where you're going, you idiot!" She shouted. "You could have killed me with that stunt!"

"Sanae Kochiya, right? What are you doing here?" Koishi was already floating in the air again, drifting around the 'good girl miko.'

"None of your business… Wait. You wouldn't happen to be Koishi Komeji, would you?" Sanae asked the annoying little girl running circles around her.

"Maybe…" Koishi paused, then drifted over to the other girl, still sprawled on the ground. She looked startlingly familiar to Yukari, I realized. I also realized… "Hey, that's my sword!" I called the girl out.

"Whuh…" she muttered. She shifted to face me, but still couldn't sit up. "Do I know you..?" She asked.

I forced myself to my feet and stumbled over to the girl. Taking care not to put myself in a potentially compromising position, I undid the straps holding the scabbard to her back and reclaimed the sword. "Careful, that thing's…" Sanae started, but stopped as I drew the blade, taking comfort in its warm glow. "…trapped… Why didn't you blow up?"

"Easy. It's because the blade belongs to me. But…" I looked to the girl. "How did you hold on to it without setting off the magic discharge?"

"Wait." Sanae looked me in the eyes, and for a split-second I saw her blue eyes turn a brilliant gold.

XXXXX

Sanae had caught on to something. From what Suwako had said, only Lucille could have held the sword without being blasted into orbit, but this boy was swinging it around without a care in the world. Taking one look at the boy's spirit, her suspicions were confirmed: a scroll torn in half down the middle, and a perfect fit for Lucille's soul fragment.

"What's your name, boy?" She asked.

"Luke." _Similar names? That _can't _be a coincidence._ It didn't quite make sense, because Sanae was the one who gave the girl her name, but fate worked in mysterious ways.

The Komeji girl appeared to reach the same conclusion as she examined Lucille. "Luke, I think we've found the rest of your soul."

Luke groaned. "Aw, you've gotta be shitting me. My other half is a _girl?_" He drifted into English for a split-second as he spewed a string of obscenities that would make a sailor blush.

"Other half..?" Lucille had finally sat up. "What?"

"Well…" Koishi started. "It appears that fate has brought the four—or rather, three—of us together for the time being. Now that the two halves of a whole are in place, we just need to find a way to bring them back together…"

"_Don't count on it."_ Yukari stepped out of a gap in front of Luke.

Luke shouted something at Yukari, but nobody else understood him since he was still speaking English.

Whatever he had said, the gap youkai ignored it. "I admit, I didn't quite have the time to make a proper gap before Flandre tried to kill you, so I had to make do with just getting you far away from the SDM as quickly as possible. Unfortunately, I didn't break enough borders to help you make it through the transition in one piece, and your soul was cut in half as a result."

After some coughing, Luke began speaking in Japanese again. "Then _fix it_. You of all people should be able to do that much."

"Listen, kid. What happened with you was a one-in-a-million occurrence, with pretty much no way to replicate or undo _this_ kind of result." Yukari gestured to Lucille. "Even if I could, you would most likely refuse my demands."

"Which would be…?"

"To become my shikigami. I may be able to travel the entire world, but I don't have the same kind of access to modern technology as you would. You'd live a normal life, but answer to me."

"You're right. I _would_ refuse the offer. I'd rather take my chances with Yuka on a bad day than become your slave. Now, if there really is nothing you can do, just go away before I lose all self-control and try to kill you."

Yukari huffed. "Fine, be that way. Just know that you're on your own from here on out. Obnoxious little fucker…" She mumbled as she retreated through a gap, leaving Luke, Lucille, Sanae, and Koishi alone in the forest clearing.

"Well, it seems that we'll be stuck together for the time being." Sanae waved a hand in front of Luke's face to get his attention. "Why don't we head back to my shrine, figure out what to do from there?"

"…Alright. Lead the way." Luke sheathed his sword and gripped the arm of Koishi, who lifted off the ground and floated with Sanae and Lucille towards the Moriya Shrine.

*This is a reference to the Youtube video Koishi Hell and its sequel, where Reimu is tormented by Koishi's subliminal messages and fled Gensokyo for a short while. As you may have guessed, it didn't work on Marisa.


	6. I Pick Up a Rescue Puppy

Author's note: Good to know that my fic is receiving positive reviews so far. Even one of my favorite authors of Touhou fiction, the cyber youkai Sweebation, has taken an interest in my work.

XXXXX

"So, what now?" I asked. The four of us—me, Koishi, Sanae, and Lucille, as Sanae kept calling the other half of my soul—were standing at the base of the mountain. We had been forced to land and travel on foot because Koishi's arms were getting numb from carrying me, and that midair impact did a number on Sanae's back. I strapped the Master Sword (_I need to rename this sword before somebody sues me, _I thought to myself) to my back, taking comfort in its familiar weight.

"Beats me. I've never been this far from home before," Koishi shrugged.

"I don't even know what I'm supposed to be doing :D" _Wow. The girl must have taken the air-headed aspect of my personality, _I thought in regards to Lucille.

"The way I see it, unless you two learn to fly within the next three hours, we'll be screwed at sunset," Sanae grumbled, hunched over and rubbing her spine.

"Aw come on, what happened to that light-hearted miko I was talking with 15 minutes ago?" Lucille whimpered.

"I'll tell you what happened, I dislocated by spine!" Sanae shot back.

Annoyed by her grumpiness, I stepped forward. "Here, let me help you with that," I said, then slammed the flat of my blade into her back. The girl howled, bending backwards like a limbo player, and dropped to the ground.

"Aargh! That hurt, you bastard! Why I ought to… ought to…" Sanae paused. Confused, she rolled over on the ground and started bending and twisting her hips, the pain in her back having vanished. "Wow… that feels great. Have you ever thought of being a masseuse?"

"Doubt it. I don't have the right body to appeal to women." I held out a hand and helped Sanae to her feet. "Besides, I just hit you with a sword. Only my legs could have generated as much force as that."

"Ah…" Sanae shrugged, then rubbed her back again. "That reminds me, I've been wanting to ask you: where did you get that sword? Unless they found a way to turn games into reality during the short time I've lived here, that thing technically shouldn't exist in real life."

"It's actually just a replica, a play sword. At least, it used to be, until I got some help from the librarian in Voile. Now it's unbreakable, and it sucks magic." To demonstrate, I took Sanae's gohei (which I assumed was enchanted like Reimu's) and tossed it into the air. As it came down, I swung my blade up to meet it. For a split-second, the blessed wand held, glowing a brilliant gold, but the sword won out. The gohei fell to the ground, sliced cleanly in half.

Sanae glared at me, dumbstruck. "I don't believe it. That gohei has blocked strikes from an Oni and held, and yet you just broke it without even trying." A mischievous glint appeared in her eyes. "I want one of those."

"I don't think so," I warned as I sheathed the sword. "Despite your reputation as a good girl, I've heard of your vicious streak against youkai. Besides, I'd need to get back to the outside world to obtain another, and I've gotten on Yukari's bad side without a doubt, so I'm stuck in Gensokyo."

"What happened to asking where we were going next?" Lucille asked, earning a glare from the other three.

"Well, now that I can stand straight again, we can try our luck with a trip to the Tengu village. It's only about an hour's climb from here at full speed… but we could fly there in less than ten minutes."

"Does carrying someone on your back hurt much?" Koishi probed, rubbing her sore arms.

"Not too much. You'll be stiff for an hour or so afterwards, but it's no big deal. Still… Luke is nearly twice your size." Sanae pointed out.

"What if Koishi took Lucille and Sanae me? She's smaller and lighter," I suggested.

"You sure that being separated from me is a good idea? Satori-sama said that she'd break you if anything happened to me."

"And judging from your build," Sanae added, "I'd pull my back again carrying you."

"Sigh… Damn. A no-win situation. I guess we're going hiking."

XXXXX

Sanae said that the hike up would take an hour at full speed, but our progress was pathetically slow. Being an inside person, Koishi was worn out quickly in the heat of the sun. Lucille practically collapsed from dehydration (she apparently took my sensitivity to heat with her when we split). I had made fair progress, actually keeping up with Sanae, but eventually tripped over a tree root and pulled my Achilles tendon.

Sanae glanced at the horizon, where the sun was making its final descent. "Crap, we're never going to make it there at this pace. Let's backtrack to the river and set camp for the night." Nobody argued with the shrine maiden. A few minutes later, we were standing at the foot of a shallow stream.

Exhausted, all three girls walked into the water and began to remove their clothing. "What are you doing!" I cried. "If you're going to strip, at least get out of sight!"

"I'm a pure shrine maiden," Sanae replied, though she maintained her sarashi.

"I've got nothing to hide," Koishi added sheepishly, fiddling with her Third Eye so it wouldn't get in the way of her vest.

"If we're the same person, does it really matter if we see each other naked?" Lucille asked as she pulled off her shirt, which I now discovered had been hugging her body fairly tightly. _Okay, now the airhead is seriously pushing it. I have to admit that she's pretty well-endowed though…_ I mentally slapped myself. This was taking narcissism to a place it had never gone before.

With a mumble, I walked away. Despite the thick foliage, a strong breeze swept through the forest, chilling me slightly. As I wandered further away, I brought out my glowing blade and started dragging it along the ground, leaving a line in the dirt for me to follow back. I noticed during my venture that I could hear none of the sounds of a regular forest around me. That meant that either Gensokyo had no normal wildlife… or there was a predator nearby.

I heard a twig snap; that was all the warning I got before something small barreled into me. As I hit the ground face-first, my attacker wedged a foot underneath me and rolled me on my back. I caught a glimpse of a large, sharp blade held inches from my face.

"Who are you?" A light, soft voice hissed at me.

Undaunted, I swung my sword over my chest. The girl—as I assumed from the voice—jumped back to avoid being cut. I got to my feet quickly, and was forced to block a swing from the girl's blade. Our swords met with a clash of sparks and a loud clang. Using my apparently greater height and weight, I pushed the girl away and stepped back. Taking a look around to find the dirt trail I left, I took off towards the river.

As I ran, I heard light footsteps gaining rapidly behind me. Suddenly, I heard a crack, and dove to the side as a bolt of danmaku shot past. Just my luck, there was a loud yelp, and a tidal wave of ofuda was returned in kind, blasting the girl to the ground. Once the flow of magic trickled to a stop, I got to my feet. The other girls (fully dressed, thank god) came into view.

"Who did that!" Sanae cried. I noticed that her top was burned off.

"No clue." I pointed to the smoking body several yards away. "I got jumped by this one as I was exploring. It was dumb luck that she missed me and hit you by accident."

Sanae gave me a long look, then nodded. "Good enough. I doubt you can even use danmaku, anyway." She walked over to the body. "Now what have we… Uh-oh."

I walked over to her, raising the blade to illuminate the girl's form. The first thing I noticed was the ears; they were large and fury, situated at the top of her head. She was dressed lightly, probably for ease of movement while swinging that giant sword around. I looked to her side and noticed that said sword was in fact a scimitar. Finally, I glimpsed the faint imprint of a maple leaf on her scorched hat.

'Uh-oh,' indeed. Sanae had just blown up Momiji Inubashiri.

"Ooh, puppy!" Lucille exclaimed.

"Please shut up," I told her.

"I know you are but what am I?" _Pathetic._

"You're _me_, so shut it!" That shut her up. I turned to Sanae. "So, what do we do?"

"_Get together for a group picture, that's what!"_ Aya Shameimaru shot down from the tree branches, snapping pics all the way. "This scene has 'scoop' written all over it! Oh, I can't wait to see the headline for this… 'White Wolf Tengu Subdued By Mysterious Man and his Harem!' You don't suppose I could get your name, could I…?"

"You really choose the worst possible moments to show up, crow…" Sanae growled.

"What can I say? I go where I'm needed." The tengu shrugged. "Now, your names? I don't really need yours, though, Sanae…"

I ignored her question. "Wait up. We just shot down your fellow tengu, and all you can think about is a scoop? What a selfish bitch." I brandished my blade. "I think it's time for someone to clip those pretty little wings of yours once and for all!"

Aya sneered. "I'd like to see you try, for I am the fastest in all of Gensokyo!" She vanished instantly.

As she disappeared from sight, I heard quiet whimpering. At my feet, Momiji was coming to her senses, dog ears twitching. "…Uuu… what happened…?" She whined.

I carefully kicked her scimitar away, out of her reach. "You hit a shrine maiden, and she made you go _pichu~n_. Now, your crow master is trying to make a scoop out of you."

Momiji's reply was cut off by a tearing noise, followed shortly by a cry of surprise. Turning around, I saw Lucille clutching her arms over her bare chest, her shirt in ribbons on the ground. "Such an appealing figure…" Aya appeared behind me, snapping pictures. "Are you and this boy related?"

I twisted around as fast as my body would allow and swung my sword, but the crow had already vanished again. "You know what? Why don't make this scoop a little bigger!" Aya reappeared in the air, fan in hand.

Sanae knew what was coming before the rest of us, but still wasn't fast enough to act before Aya swung the fan, sending shockwaves through the air at us. I felt no pain as the waves of air passed us, but mere moments after the waves dissipated I heard another tearing noise, much louder this time. _Everyone's_ clothes fell apart; even Momiji was exposed.

Aya floated closer, drifting right above the group. "That's much better! I can see it now—'White Wolf Tengu Caught in Wild Group Orgy!' Bunbunmaru News will become the greatest paper in…"

"_Mythology 'Wrath of Leonidas!'"_ I'd had enough. With a single pounce, I was on top of Aya. Even the fastest in Gensokyo didn't stand a chance against a Spartan, as she found herself dragged by her legs to the ground before she even realized what was happening. As soon as I touched down, I swung Aya by her feet, slamming her head directly into a tree.

Even greater youkai couldn't stand up to the force generated by hitting a tree at 30mph, and Aya was knocked out instantly. She fell to the ground, limp. As the adrenaline in my system faded, I dropped to my knees, exhaustion from the spell overtaking me. Then I remembered what Patchouli told me: the amber gem in the sword's pommel could store magic as well. I reached out and brushed the gem, which began to flash.

Almost immediately, I could feel the magic take effect, energy coursing through my body. With renewed strength, I steadily rose to my feet, using the sword as a prop.

"That was amazing…" Sanae murmured. "I've never seen anyone bring down a tengu like _that_ before. And tengu have very thick skulls…" She looked to Aya's broken form. "…Some thicker than others."

"It appears so. But enough of that…" I bent down and started undoing the buttons to Aya's vest.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Sanae screamed at me.

"Calm down." I picked up Aya's camera and waved it at Sanae. "I have a plan to put a stop to Aya's shenanigans for good."

Sanae paused, confused, then a lightbulb lit up over her head. "Oh… I see what you mean…" She walked over and snatched the camera from me. "But _I'll_ be the one to do it. Can't trust a man with something like this."

I nodded and looked away as Sanae gestured for Lucille and Koishi to help her. Together, they stripped all of Aya's clothes from her unconscious body, offering them to Koishi to wear (she was really the only one they'd fit on). Then, they started propping Aya's body in erotic poses, snapping pictures when they were satisfied with the image.

Lastly, they rummaged through Aya's vest and produced the photo negatives that she had taken of them, and ripped them to shreds. Using scraps of their torn clothing, the girls made a makeshift rope and tied the crow girl's bare form to a nearby tree. Throughout the entire process, Momiji sat and watched, glancing between me and the girls with a panicked expression. She honestly looked kind of cute, arms wrapped around her chest and her tail literally tucked between her legs.

Once the deed was done, we gathered together in a circle, looking at the photos that Sanae had taken. "Alright… now that that's done, what do we do about clothes?" Koishi asked.

I heard something soft drop to the ground behind me. I turned to see several piles of clothes, neatly folded and cleaned, lying on the ground—replacement outfits for everyone, including Momiji. Attached to mine was a note:

_This is the LAST time I'm going to help you. If this happens again, you better learn leatherworking, or get used to walking through a town without clothes. –Yukari_

_P.S. I'm taking your laptop as payment. Deal with it._

_Bitch,_ I thought.

With several sighs of relief, the five of us got dressed. Aside from a bra included with Lucille's outfit, the clothes were the exactly the same as the ones we were wearing before. Sanae even got a roll of cloth for a new sarashi.

Just as we had suited up and I was strapping my sword's baldric to my back, Aya started moaning. "Ayayaya… my head…"

"I'll handle this," I told the other girls, than stepped towards the tied-up tengu. "Sleep well?"

"Hey! What did you…?" Aya finally noticed the breeze. "ACK! Where's my clothes!"

"Oh, we burned those for a campfire," I lied. "Now you're going to be doing me some favors."

"Like what? I've still got the pictures in my camera! I can make you do anything I…" She drifted off as I produced the pictures of her that Sanae had taken. "…Wh-what are th-those…?"

I brought them closer to her face so she could get a better look. What little color was left in her face drained away completely. "They're going to be the next big scoop, if you don't follow my orders." I decided to take it a bit further, and added a bluff. "And I've got more pictures of you doing some very… _inappropriate_ things to Momiji over there." As Sanae later told me, Momiji actually looked happy as I berated Aya. "Push my nerves, and Bunbunmaru News will drop faster than you, the 'fastest in Gensokyo,' can fly."

"W-what do y-you want…?" Aya stuttered.

"Well, first thing's first: the pictures. Frankly, people are fed up with your blackmail, and I am here to relieve them of their pain. The moment you leave this place, you are to destroy _all_ of your evidence: pictures, interviews, notes, you name it." I jerked my thumb at Koishi. "This girl's sister is a mind reader. If I have doubts of your sincerity, Sanae here will bring Satori to your home to make sure that you are hiding nothing from me."

"_All of it!"_ Aya cried. "You have no idea how hard I've worked to get those! Months, years even! And you'd have me get rid of it like _that?_"

"Who's making the demands here? May I remind you of your current predicament? I could easily ruin you, if you know what I mean…" Aya recoiled. As my statement sunk in, she began to shudder uncontrollably.

"Y-y-you wouldn't…"

"Oh, but I would." I put on my best trollface. "I might even let my host have a turn with you, see what she does. Hint, she lives in the Garden of the Sun." Aya began to whimper, shaking her head viciously from side to side. "Hell, I might even take these pictures to Kakashi Spirit News. I can't wait to see the look on Hatate's face when she sees this…"

"No!" Aya burst into tears. "Please, no! I'll do anything you want, I promise!" The broken crow tengu began to sob. "Just… please… don't do it…"

"Atta girl." I patted Aya's head. She recoiled at the touch. _Why is this turning me on…?_ "So, will you destroy the evidence as I asked?"

"…Y-yes."

"And will you start being a bit more kind to Momiji?"

"Yes."

"Very good girl." I reached behind me and tossed Aya's clothes (which Koishi had ditched for being loose) towards her while Lucille undid the knot holding Aya to the tree. She got dressed in record time, crying all the way. As she shakily reached for her camera, I pulled it back. "I think I'll hold onto this for the time being." Aya whimpered a bit, but didn't fight me. "Now, a few parting words of advice. If I EVER find out that you've been doing shit like this again, I'll be back. If you even lie or exaggerate in your newspaper articles again, I'll tie you up, stick a bow on you and mail you to Yuka. Got it?" Aya nodded frantically. "Good girl. Now, get the fuck out of my sight."

As Aya shot off, wailing in fear, Sanae gaped at me. "That was _completely _unnecessary, Luke. Do you have any idea of the consequences this will have on our reputation with the tengu?"

"…Um, I think I can settle that…" Everyone turned to Momiji, who was twiddling her thumbs, staring at the ground. "I can say she was… caught by a rabid Oni, abused maybe. Lord Tenma is… more likely to take my word over hers…"

I looked to her. "That's an awful lot for use to ask of you. What would you want in return?"

"…Can I travel with you?" That got me. I did a double-take. "It gets so frustrating here, just wandering the mountains with nothing to do except fight Aya when she comes around. And you people…" Momiji looked around at the group. "You people are really nice. You didn't have to tell Aya to be nice to me, but you did. That's more than I can say about a lot of other people…"

I thought about it. Having a wolf tengu with us would be a great advantage. Her heightened senses would be able to single out hostile youkai from far off. Plus, her intentions seemed innocent enough… "Alright, you can come with us. Just don't make too big of a deal about it..." My request went unheeded, as Momiji slammed into my chest and gave me a bear hug.

XXXXX

Author's note: I admit, the scene with Aya's psychological torture may have been pushed a bit overboard, but I say she deserves it for the trolling she does all over Gensokyo. Then again, I finally begin to show my own inner troll.


	7. Announcements

I'm sorry that I've taken SO LONG to update any of my stories. Sometimes I like to think that God himself is trying to keep me from writing. And since I've had time to look back at my work... I've decided...

...to pull all three fics. That's right: it's back to the drawing board for _Stardust Revelation_, _Subject 151_, and _To Troll a God_ (The latter of which I was planning to re-write entirely under the new name _Heart of a Flower_, focusing more on the OC's connection to Yuka and romance options).

My reasoning for each story is as follows:

**_Stardust Revelation_**: the intended main character, OC Melissa Kirisame, has faded into the background, overshadowed by Yukari and her history. The way I see it now, she was a complete and total ass-pull to give Yukari a reason to sneak into the UNSC, and thus cross paths with Mokou. My re-write will more than likely drop her entirely to focus on Yukari and Mokou, as my story has led to. Rtas 'Vadum and Sesa 'Refumee's arc will likely remain, as I think they were written fine up to this point.  
>(I was also thinking of throwing in Yuugi as a main character, to make the Sangheili question Truth's will. What do you guys think I should do? Some reader input would be much appreciated.)<p>

**_Subject 151_**: I hit a brick wall immediately after I started work on the second chapter. I couldn't think up a feasible manner by which Mew could spread her sentience to the other pokemon. A shame, too; I wanted to put Eevee in so badly...

**_To Troll a God_**: Where. Do. I. START? The inherent futility of trying to fight Yukari has finally struck me, for one. That bitch is, for all intents and purposes, untouchable. In addition, getting on Yukari's bad side means no favors, which means no way to get Patchy the books she wanted in exchange for modding a copyrighted sword(also a bad move in hindsight). Then there's the most recent chapter, in which the OC overdoes it with Aya's sexual harassment.  
>Finally, there's the "splitty-splitty gender-bendy" idea, as one of my reviewers affectionately called it. I had originally planned for the OC to be transformed into a girl outright by Eirin's medicine, but couldn't find a good way to put that subplot in context. As stated above, I plan to scrap this fic entirely and start over, with more emphasis on the OC's relationship with Yuka.<p>

Whereas I can find a way to fix the other two, _Subject 151_ is beyond my expertise. If you think you can succeed where I failed, and make something noteworthy of it, PM me.

In it's place, I have a new crossover Idea: a Touhou/Mass Effect story delving into the history of the enigmatic Lunarians, how they avoided the Reapers (if they truly are as old as they claim) and their role in the final battle for Earth. If you think it's a good idea, PM me, and perhaps leave some plot ideas for me to work with.

Working with a square peg and a round hole here, people. I'm just bashing stuff in, seeing if it fits. Savato93 signing out.


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